The Wretched Will of a Selfish Heart
by Pikachu Ate My Muffin
Summary: Not every death holds noble meaning. Not every homecoming is that of a hero. And most importantly, not every ruler chooses their people's prosperity over their own. Not an AU, for once in my life. [One-shot, YumiKuri]


**AN: I'm back at it again with that unnecessary angst *awkward laughter* I honestly wanted to write and publish a lighter/more humorous one-shot before this, to stick it in between this one and the story I uploaded a few days ago, but I sort of ran out of time. I'm leaving town tomorrow and I'll be gone for a week, but maybe I'll end up writing that less angsty story after all? We'll just have to see.**

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 _The Wretched Will of a Selfish Heart_

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Historia Reiss, in her humble opinion, was not a woman made for royalty. Day after day, she selected clothes from a much too luxurious wardrobe, paced tirelessly in much too big of an estate, and finally tossed around restlessly in much too large of a bed.

From what she had heard, the people she ruled did not despise her. In fact, they considered her a rather fair queen. Despite the work she had accomplished thus far, Historia felt ashamed of her deepest motive. In the weeks, and even months, that had passed since Ymir left, she came to realize exactly how selfish she truly was.

Before the Survey Corps set out on the unforgettable mission that would ultimately decimate their forces, Historia gave Erwin, Levi, and Hanji a very distinct order: Ymir was not to be killed. Of course she understood the repercussions of that statement. Surely many more soldiers would die in the difficult attempt to return the queen's lost lover. She knew this, and in her nightmares even envisioned it. Yet she couldn't bring herself to regret the secret order.

And when the remaining few troops returned, many missing limbs and much of their will to live, Historia had only one person on her mind. She immediately wiped her day's schedule when she heard of Levi's arrival, hurrying to meet him wherever and whenever possible.

Within the first hour she had gotten his report. There were less than a dozen survivors; Reiner and Bertholdt were among the horde of deceased. Even soldiers that she had trained with had perished, and yet… She only continued to listen with feverish determination, craving the news she sought after most. When Levi finally affirmed her hopes, that Ymir was alive and within the safety of Wall Sina, did she let herself feel the impact and reality of the situation.

She was relieved, mostly. She felt bursts of grief throughout the day, along with plans on how to build the Survey Corps back up from such a massive loss. Yet she eventually landed on an awful and cynical thought as the day faded to evening: as long as Ymir was still breathing, the bloodshed was worth it.

So she stood on her open balcony that cloudy night, feeling precisely like the despicable human that she was. Before this she had called Annie a murderer, a cold-blooded sociopath. But Historia, as she quite thoroughly believed, was on a whole other level.

A gust of wind blew past her and into the massive bedroom, ruffling the skirt of her night dress. The air whistled against the glass doors and bit at her thinly clothed skin.

"Do you lock those balcony doors at night?" An achingly familiar voice asked from the other end of the room. "I know plenty of people who could easily make it to this high floor level. You included."

"Ymir" Historia stated in a strained toned, whipping around to get a glimpse at the brunette through the dark room. She was a solitary figure next to the main doors, arms crossed over her chest and head tilted.

"Hey, Historia" she greeted in return. "You reclaimed your old identity. I'm… proud of you."

The young queen wanted to snap at her counterpart, remind Ymir that Historia didn't have much of a choice. Without her around, the younger of the two had to step up and start making her own decisions, and start living for _herself_. After growing accustomed to having Ymir there for so long, she had to learn how to be alone again. She had made Historia so many promises and just left, in that stupidly selfless fashion of hers. And then the latter simply… Picked up the pieces.

Before the dumbstruck ruler could form a proper response though, tears began to prick at the corners of her blue eyes. Her face grew hot and her chest heaved with labored breaths. "You just left" she cried in a broken voice. She grasped at the hem of her dress tightly, warm tears running down her cheeks in a steady stream.

Ymir hastily dropped her indifferent stance and straightened up, then made long strides to cross the room. In a matter of seconds, she had the blonde engulfed in a tight embrace, head buried against the shorter woman's neck.

"I know" Ymir mumbled. "I had to..." She stated even quieter. Then even the brunette's vision began to grow blurry, so she simply shut her eyes and hugged the other tighter.

"They're both dead" Ymir continued, voice growing choked up. "I didn't agree with what they were doing but… They were like me." She ran her hands across Historia's back gently, reaffirming that the small monarch was really there. "I should have died too, but the Corps treated me differently. I was confused at first, but it didn't take long to understand." She halted her movements, resting both hands at the small of the other's back. She could feel her hot skin through the thin fabric.

"I shouldn't be here, Historia. At the very least, I should be in chains. Not patched up and staying in a room three floors down. It wasn't even that hard to get in here, for Maria's sake." She went quiet, perhaps lost in the moment and her own torrent of emotions.

"As if I could let you be treated like some sort of criminal" Historia replied with a surprising amount of ferocity. Her arms were secured tightly around the titan-shifter's back, one hand clutching at the fabric of her shirt. "And I won't let anyone say otherwise. Some of the council members want to put you on trial, but I'll fight for you with everything-"

"They all know your decisions are biased" Ymir reminded softly.

"So what? I'll keep you safe, Ymir. And if it takes a marriage to keep you here, so be it. There are no regulations on who I can marry. We can do it soon, yeah? And you'll be safe and we'll be _happy_. The rest can wait" Historia explained, a hint of desperation lacing her tone.

Ymir sighed, then leaned down and kissed her exposed collarbone. "Your plan is impractical. Besides, we all know this isn't how it works. The trials are unavoidable, and at the very least, I'll be sentenced to a life of fighting, like Eren. If they can't destroy us, then they'll try to control us. And-" She laughed for a moment, although it was quite humorless. "You're already the perfect to pawn to keep me fighting for their side."

"Don't give up before we've even _tried_ , Ymir" Historia pleaded, pushing away from the other woman the slightest in order to look her in the eyes. She searched the brunette's gaze for some sign of hope; any remnant of that previous fire.

"You're desperate" was Ymir's blatant response.

"And you aren't?" Historia's voice cracked, another stray tear slipping down her red cheek. "Dammit, Ymir. Just think about it. We were scheduled to talk first thing tomorrow morning, yet you went through the trouble and risk of sneaking into my _bedroom_. You're telling me that's as far as you're willing to fight? I know you haven't given up yet. Otherwise, I can't believe that you'd be standing here right now."

She took deep and even breaths before continuing. "I can't lose you again" she said in a vulnerable tone, reaching up to touch her lover's cheek. "I love you. _Please_ , keep fighting with me."

Ymir's somber expression softened, and she placed her own hand over Historia's. "I love you too. But this perfect world where we stay together and everyone just lets us be _doesn't exist_. And it'll never work the way we want-"

"Then we'll compromise" Historia cut in, determination set in her eyes. "I know these types of naïve dreams will never be a reality, trust me. But I never pegged you as a quitter." The queen's expression was ablaze, and she inhaled deeply, standing straight and dignified. "You don't have to make a decision tonight. It can wait until tomorrow, or even the day after. I'll stall as long as I need to" she stated sincerely.

"In the meantime, help me forget this kind of cruel reality that we live in" Historia nearly pleaded, visibly deflating as she melted back into the comfort of Ymir's body. "Let's pretend we're not doomed to be torn apart, if just for tonight."

They appeared to have come to a temporary agreement. Ymir made no promises of trying to avoid her fate. Instead, she nodded and agreed to postpone the discussion until further on. The real world could wait.

So they fell into each other like two stars reunited within their constellation, all heat and white light. Ymir's body seemed to engulf the smaller woman's as they embraced, trapped in a fervent and hungry lip-lock.

When the two kissed, Historia felt like less of the wretched being that she knew herself to be. They were a raging fire outside of time and space itself, grasping at every last hint of oxygen.

 _Selfish_ , her mind chanted as Ymir's gentle palms held her hips, breasts, and thighs. _Selfish_ , she thought as they collapsed onto the ridiculously large bed. _Selfish_ , she was reminded as she felt warm and safe and loved.

Throughout every kiss, caress, and whisper, Historia Reiss knew exactly what she was. Yet, she could not find the will within herself to regret a single moment of it.

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 **AN: You know, I didn't set out to write something so dramatic. But here we are, and I don't have the heart to change it, haha. When I finally came up with this title I figured it was like, wayyyy too dramatic, but then I reconsidered and figured _'fuck it.'_ If you liked this story in all of its angsty glory, then go ahead and tell me. Alright, sayonara for now.**


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